My positive thinking and my hubby have taken me to a new level

Well last time I wrote here I was so frustrated about the doctor and stuff.Well I have another doctor apt Tuesday.But lately I have been on a positive kick after I read the Dan Brown book The Lost Symbol,I will not ruin the book for the ones who have not read it but well it talked a lot about how a human beings brain has the power to do miracles,cures,etc.Well I thought about this a lot and I have noticed one thing about me is I am always thinking negative which makes my anxiety n depression worse.So I told myself after reading this book if Robert Langdon can go and believe that it works why not me? I know he is fictional but Dan Brown is not and I like what he said in the book.Well every nite when I go to bed I say "I Kris send positive energy to my house and to my family and to me Positive energy Wrap around me like a blanket".I have had no nitemares n my insomnia is like almost gone.I think the brain does what u want it to do negative thoughts bring negative energy, Positivity brings good things.Many do not believe in God I do.But if u do not then believe in positivity.I also have enrolled in college and I am going for my associates degree in Graphic design.Like I am not well yet I still get sad but now I don't let it drive me I drive it and use that sadness for my poems :) in a positive way.I also have the best hubby who loves to talk and when something does bother me he is my sounding board he listens n offers a solution n does not laugh at my eccentricities.Thank you Baby for being the Best !! It is going to be a long drive to my goal and I know I will have bad days but I have belief in myself !!

Abyss we either swim or drown

Well here I am again.I will continue on what I have started even if I do feel a bit lost.I went to the Doctor on Friday,Readied myself after all my nerves.I get there have my paperwork filled out and hand it to the receptionist.She tells me and my hubby to wait in the lobby while they check out my insurance.I waited over 30 Min's and she calls us up n tell us that since our limit in the insurance is $ we have to pay $ (sorry for not saying how much) but well we cannot afford that for a visit plus any extras they might make us pay.Well we left.I feel so defeated like I am trying to make my anxiety n depression manageable.But how can one do that with the Insurance this country offers.We have Blue Shield,n we pay for the family plan.I cannot get free Medicaid because hubby is able to get insurance.So I am right now trying to figure out the best course to get help.But I feel like I am drowning and there is no lifesaver.I have not sleep right in a week.I been taking sleeping pills and is still not helping.I tried bathes,sex,relaxation.I want to feel well again and I feel sad for all the other people who could not find the help and now are homeless.We need to figure out a way to help poor people who have no options when there mentally unstable and not judge them.I also have a very good support system and they will not let me give up Ty guys :)I am going to get better because well I want to.Dammit I will not give in to this disease I am a fighter, have been since I was a child.I will write another day more stuff.

Small Steps

I am feeling drained today.I been thinking I have good self-esteem but I just get so sad at the smallest things.Like if someone on a social site not saying hi to me or my room having one thing out of order.I feel like the person does not care and why did I let my room get so dirty.Yes u see one thing out of order but it feels like my whole life is going out of order.I have a very supportive husband but I believe he expects me to go to the Doctor and just get cured and be Happy.I do not think is going to work that way.I believe in God alot so that is helping get by becuase without my faith I would feel more Lost.Is not like my life is bad,but my brain is so If I can fix my way Of thinking everything maybe will fall in order.We will see .

The Decision

I have decided to finally find the help I need for my anxiety and depresion.It is a bit scary going to someone I do not know and will maybe judge me and find me inadequate to be a mother.I am afraid they will see me as a liar.That I am inveting my depresion for attention.I wish it was that simple becuase then I could shed it like an old coat and be again the Kris I was 3 yrs ago.Not scared of anything .Be able to shop alone,walk, and just get dressed in the morning and want to do stuff.But alas I do not want to do anything.Only reason I am going to the doctor,My family.Cause I am so used to this Kris I dont know what the old Kris looks like anymore and Like I said in the beggining I am scared of people I dont know judging me.Will the old Kris judge this Kris or will i emerge a blend of both.Wait and see.